Fear it is a tangible thing

Fear is a tangible thing.  You can feel it in every pore on your body,  I have been through the ringer in my life and I thought I had learned to deal with the all encroaching sense of panic that is associated with fear.  I was wrong.

About 6 months ago I had my first abnormal pap smear,  Hmm well let me start at the beginning here.  While recovering from my learning of my ex-husbands infidelities.  I also learned that he gave me a few "presents" just to make it hurt more.  In addition to the sense of overwhelming loss and betrayal, I found out I had Herpes and HPV.  That was in 2009, the day after my 33rd birthday and the day I found out my favorite Great Aunt had passed away. 

Now fast forward to 6 months ago and that abnormal pap.  Cervical changes on my cervix, CIN I not to bad just some mild dysplasia.  So they did a colposcopy, which hurt like hell and set me up for a repeat pap in 6 months.  It is 6 months later and my repeat pap showed more abnormalities.  So again I had to have another stinkin colpo which showed more than some mild changes it showed some moderate to severe changes.  Now guess what is the main cause of cervical changes on your cervix....you guessed it HSV and or HPV.  Which I have both, my lovely little presents from my ex.  Next step LEEP, now LEEP's are painful for the normal woman.  However I'm NOT normal, I have Fibro.  For someone with Fibro it is going to be beyond painful, and this is why I'm scared.

Two good things out of this though.  First- I don't have to face it alone, which before would have been a no brainer that I would be abandoned and left to fend for myself.  Not anymore, that wonderful man in my life, my darling fiance` will not let me face this alone.  Before falling asleep this evening he wrapped me in his arms and told me he would be there every step of the way.  That even if I have to spend a night or to in the hospital so I can deal with the pain, he will be there, with a shoulder for me to sob into. Second- Once this LEEP is done, it is very rare for the abnormalities to return.  I will however have to have PAP smears every couple of months for awhile, just to make sure. 

Unfortunately the fear is still there however, gnawing at me regular since of fulfillment and tackling my sanity with the force of a good pass rusher.  I'm awake and suffering from annoying insomnia trying to figure out how I'm going to get through this.  My obstacles are sometimes ridiculous and I often wonder what I could have done to Satan to piss him off.  Them I remember I just breathe every day and that's enough, lol  

I just wish I knew a way out of this mess.  Yet I realize that there is no way out and that's almost as indescribably agonizing as the fear itself.