Fear it is a tangible thing

Fear is a tangible thing.  You can feel it in every pore on your body,  I have been through the ringer in my life and I thought I had learned to deal with the all encroaching sense of panic that is associated with fear.  I was wrong.

About 6 months ago I had my first abnormal pap smear,  Hmm well let me start at the beginning here.  While recovering from my learning of my ex-husbands infidelities.  I also learned that he gave me a few "presents" just to make it hurt more.  In addition to the sense of overwhelming loss and betrayal, I found out I had Herpes and HPV.  That was in 2009, the day after my 33rd birthday and the day I found out my favorite Great Aunt had passed away. 

Now fast forward to 6 months ago and that abnormal pap.  Cervical changes on my cervix, CIN I not to bad just some mild dysplasia.  So they did a colposcopy, which hurt like hell and set me up for a repeat pap in 6 months.  It is 6 months later and my repeat pap showed more abnormalities.  So again I had to have another stinkin colpo which showed more than some mild changes it showed some moderate to severe changes.  Now guess what is the main cause of cervical changes on your cervix....you guessed it HSV and or HPV.  Which I have both, my lovely little presents from my ex.  Next step LEEP, now LEEP's are painful for the normal woman.  However I'm NOT normal, I have Fibro.  For someone with Fibro it is going to be beyond painful, and this is why I'm scared.

Two good things out of this though.  First- I don't have to face it alone, which before would have been a no brainer that I would be abandoned and left to fend for myself.  Not anymore, that wonderful man in my life, my darling fiance` will not let me face this alone.  Before falling asleep this evening he wrapped me in his arms and told me he would be there every step of the way.  That even if I have to spend a night or to in the hospital so I can deal with the pain, he will be there, with a shoulder for me to sob into. Second- Once this LEEP is done, it is very rare for the abnormalities to return.  I will however have to have PAP smears every couple of months for awhile, just to make sure. 

Unfortunately the fear is still there however, gnawing at me regular since of fulfillment and tackling my sanity with the force of a good pass rusher.  I'm awake and suffering from annoying insomnia trying to figure out how I'm going to get through this.  My obstacles are sometimes ridiculous and I often wonder what I could have done to Satan to piss him off.  Them I remember I just breathe every day and that's enough, lol  

I just wish I knew a way out of this mess.  Yet I realize that there is no way out and that's almost as indescribably agonizing as the fear itself. 

Engaged...for the LAST time.

It's official I am engaged to the love of my life.  It wasn't any spectacular proposal, it was simple and beautiful.  (Will you marry me? Of course, silly)  and it was done.  Now I have to plan for a summer wedding and save, save, save money like no other, lol   I had a real wedding the first time, but it was really small and I didn't plan a lick of it.  This time is going to be different, and we are going to plan it together.  This time is going to be different period.  Told Jeremy, I am never getting divorced again and once he marries me, he's stuck with me.  I am not going through what I went through Torrey ever again.  So now the fun really begins.

A little lonely tonight

It used to be that I was always lonely.  Now it's so rare that when I am it truly aches. It was just normal before...now I'm up at midnight, listening to music,  eating ice cream while the love of my life is oblivious to my pain.  Yet I'm loathe to wake him.  Old memories surface of disquiet and neglect,  uncaring hurtful memories that tell me that's a really bad idea.  But Jeremy is Not Torrey.  He shows me he loves and cares for me every day of every moment of every minute.  I never have to ask for care,  so why shouldn't he have a break every once in awhile. He deserves to sleep uninterrupted, no matter how many memories haunt me in these lonely hours. Because tomorrow they will be memories not real life.  Thank you Jeremy for making real life livable again.

Between a rock...

At an empass in my life.  For 2 weeks now Jeremy & I have fought every night.   The house is so tense.  I don't know if he loves me anymore or if he even wants to be with me.  He has been cold and distant and ignoring me.  I find myself reminded of what I went through with T.  I love Jeremy so very much but I don't want to relive the past.  I'm scared  to lose him, scared to be alone, scared of how much I love him. Just so very unsure of what to do at this point...he's adamant that he loves me and cares for me but has not shown it at all,  all week no affection no touch no love no caring what so ever. 

So on my way home from work today I stopped and bought him roses and a card.  I thought maybe if I could just touch his spirit or his heart, he would see me.  No such luck, he has been just as distant and on his phone all night as he has been all week.  So I'm going to bed, the heartache is just too much for me to bear and I will probably cry myself to sleep but I don't care. 

I just hope he snaps out of whatever he's in because he's breaking my heart.

Memories float above me....

In the past two years my life has changed so much that I forget that I had a family, a husband and children once.  Last night I went to a baby shower with my new love Jeremy.  His friend Jenns daughter's shower.  I made three little hats, which I should have taken pictures of, darn me!  Anyway as I sat there watching her open her presents, and I took pictures for Jenn on her phone.  I starting remembering my own showers, for my children, how small they were just a few friends, not big affairs like the one I was at.  The memories flew thick around me, and I was almost lost in what once was.  How I had a home, a beautiful life, a husband who I thought adored me and two beautiful children.  And now that is all gone.  


My one consolation is that even though I no longer have a family, I have my children.  And even though they live in Germany, they are still on this earth.  But oh how I miss them.  I miss hearing them laugh and giggle, I miss their random hugs, I miss making them dinner, and I miss the sound of their beautiful voices.  The hardest thing I've ever done was give them over to their Dad to live in Germany.  What's hardest is that their father has no idea how hard it has been for me to live without my darlings.  How sometimes it aches so bad to be without them I believe I shall go mad. 


Finding new love with Jeremy I honestly believe has helped me so much.  If you've read my other blogs you know that I never thought I would find love again, let alone find someone who would even look twice at me.  Yet here I am in love with this wonderful man.  Who does truly adore me, and gives of himself as much or more than I give of myself.  I never thought to find love like this.  And hopefully the memories I make here will flow thick around me once again, while I have other things to think about.  

Intrestingly enough...again

...it took me over an hour to find my old blogs and decipher passwords, update settings, etc.  However what's interesting is that while looking at those blogs my memories converged on me like a cat on a mouse.  I was transfixed, inundated by scraps of the past, pieces I definitely didn't want to see.  My life is a barren waste of old memories and what's left of the life I had.   I've had to piece together a new life, amiss the crumbling shambles that was my marriage and what became of it.  This new blog is going to be about how I am rendering a new existence in a sea of torrential rain.  How new love has brought joy to my sole, and how old loves have been buried and are now no more than fond memories. It's a log of things that have been festering in my mind for two years and have not been let out to breathe.  There's so many thoughts crammed into my mind and it's about time I got a few things off my chest.